Check Under "E" for "Effort"

The Postmaster, having been privvy to the most intimate thoughts of humankind, is rarely surprised to find that what one expresses and what one actually thinks are often two separate entities altogether. On the surface, humans are social creatures bound by guidelines of etiquette and communal understanding, but there are often a multiple of layers to any individual. Therefore, and as no surprise to myself, it is not uncommon for a deep-seated fear of one thing to be expressed as a strong opinion against some seemingly unrelated thing.

The issue of marriage is certainly rife with such instances. It has come to The Postmaster's attention of late that a certain number of people who write against same-sex marriage are not actual homophobes, but are, in fact, merely concerned about another issue altogether:

"What is being proposed is not marriage in any sense of the word. To term it as such is contrary to its meaning in the dictionary.

If this legislation passes I assume that the tax payers will be burdened with the cost of replacing the dictionaries in the schools and libraries across the country to accommodate this new definition."

"Supposedly the Federal Government has the authority to change the definition of marriage.

Does the government have the authority to change the dictionaries, too? My dictionary gives the definition of marriage as follows: "married life, living together as husband and wife"

Frank, a tree wearing pants: "Mable, about this bill C-38, Do you ralize the impact it'll have on us?"
Mable, a tree wearing a skirt and high heels: "Yes, Frank, Think of all those gov't forms, books and dictionaries. they'll have reprint."
Frank: "I know, It must not pass."
Mable: "Or, we'll be DOOMED."
Together, while holding "hands": "We'll work on it together and WIN"

The Postmaster is both unsurprised that certain individuals' objections to same-sex marriage are actually straw men for a different issue, and surprised to find that said issue should be the protection of dictionaries. Even more surprising is that despite their apparent devotion to their cause, these individuals seem to have remarkably little knowledge as to the nature of dictionaries. For example, said individuals seem to be unaware that most reputable dictionaries are republished every year as new words are added constantly and old meanings altered; this because language evolves to match our changing society (this explains why the average English-speaker may have difficulty reading the language of Shakespeare, although The Postmaster has doubts as to whether these same individuals have ever attempted such a feat).

Therefore, the young artist who composed the fine cartoon featuring a terrified couple of pines may have peace of mind that, regardless of whether or not his or her gay acquaintances marry, there will still be trees left in Canada. Said artist may also want to use his or her much-treasured dictonary to look up the word "tree", where he or she will doubtless be surprised to learn that trees do not follow gender-specific modes of dress as common in humans and, moreover, have no gender at all since this is a social construct unique to humans, but do often have both male and female characteristics for reproduction.

As for questions of cost, The Postmaster can only say that sometimes, on rare occasions, the expenditure of money is both necessary and beneficial - to put simply, not all of the best things in life are free. For examples, life-saving antibiotics often come with a cost which an individual may choose to pay, if she or he values her or his health and well-being. Perhaps certain individuals would rather be buried with their money - The Postmaster is not discounting this possibility, as I have seen and read much stranger things. That being said, "it costs money" is not generally considered a damning argument against something.

However, The Postmaster would like to congratulate these writers and others who have taken the first step toward mastering their one and only language by recognizing the importance of uniformity and clarity in language as expressed through dictionaries. Should the cost not be too prohibitive, The Postmaster would also reccommend the purchase of a style guide to ensure that as their vocabulary grows, so do their abilities to write correctly.

Stonewall, Manitoba

The Postmaster has of late been receiving large quantities of correspondence from certain cities across Canada. The Postmaster has thusly decided to begin sharing the deepest thoughts of humankind one town at a time. Today, let us journey to Stonewall, Manitoba. The Postmaster does not know what makes this town such a haven for prolific writers. Perhaps there is an excellent library, or some exceptional teachers, or perhaps there is not very much with which to occupy one's self in said town and the inhabitants have only felt-tipped pens and legal size paper with which to amuse themselves. Whatever the reasons, The Postmaster was this morning blessed to reap what Stonewall, Manitoba, has sown. Let me share my bountiful crop with all:

"I do not want two mammies.
I like my Daddy.
This bill must not go through."

The Postmaster is tempted to believe, based on the quality of sentence structure, reasoning and penmanship, as well as the use of the word "mammie" that the author of this letter is a small child. However, it is also possible that the author simply lives in his parents' basement. Regardless, The Postmaster is sorry to hear that same-sex marriage will result in the author's father being forcibly removed from his home and replaced with another mother, but perhaps he should simply stop being such a mammy's boy and try to move on with his life.

"LOVE IS KIND
BE KIND TO OUR NEXT GENERATION
VOTE NO TO SAME-SEX MARRIAGE"

Now here is a letter after The Postmaster's own heart - the words "Love" and "is" are each in their own separate heart, with a larger heart encircling all three words. I believe it was Socrates himself who said, "When in doubt, make your arguments cuter!". Or perhaps The Postmaster is mistaken. Regardless, if there were any way to convince someone that openly discriminating against a portion of the population is loving, it is certainly through the use of large cartoon hearts.

"THINK OF TODAY AS IF IT WAS THE LAST OPPORTUNITY IN YOUR LIFE TO DO SOMETHING FOR GOD
We all know God's view of marriage is the union of one man & one woman

WHO has the power to make the sun rise?
WHO has the power to quake the earth?
WHO has the power to roll in the waves of tsunami?

TODAY - YOU have the opportunity to join with this power against same sex marriages.

May You Be Given Courage!"

The Postmaster is at a loss for words. Never before has The Postmaster seen so clearly described the issue of same-sex marriage. If God Himself would kill hundreds of thousands of people through natural disasters - albeit in a different part of the world far removed from this debate but perhaps His aim is not what it used to be - then surely we should all be preparing our life-preserving watercraft for when He should strike again. Perhaps the good people of Stonewall write so frequently because they live on such low ground.

One Thousand Words?

Although The Postmaster receives mostly correspondence of the written kind, my vast collection also houses some fine artistic efforts. It is common enough that certain people lack the vocabulary or understanding to compellingly argue a complex issue, and so must scribble out their feelings in simple pictures, much like so many zoo chimpanzees. Often, and understadably, illustrated letters are the product of children, who may be excused for their lack of knowledge regarding the laws of grammar or logic because of their age and exuberance. However, that is not to say those who like to "make drawings" are exclusively youthful. In fact, some of the most delightful works of art wich The Postmaster has ever received came persons who are likely fully-grown, at least physically.

Although I can not show you these drawings, allow me to describe them. Perhaps you would like to draw along, and come up with your own copies that you may then put up on your refrigerator or some other large home appliance.

Artistic Masterpiece #1 Start by drawing a gingerbread man, about six inches tall. Be sure to draw the head at an jaunty angle. This will be important in a moment. In the head of the gingerbread man, write the word "Canada". In his right arm, write "a good place to live". In his left arm write "a democratic country". In his right leg write "a country with freedom of religion". In his left leg write "a Christian country". Now for the finishing touch - did you draw the head on a jaunty angle? Because next you must draw a rope around the head that is tied to a box that says "Bill C-38".

If you followed all the directions closely, you will be left with a drawing of a desperate soul's pathetic cry for attention and love. It looks much like a hanged gingerbread man. How heart-wrenching. Truly, a masterpiece of despair.

Artistic Masterpiece #2: Draw a black line down the middle of a piece of paper. On the right hand side, draw a stick man and stick woman standing in a field with the sun shining down on them. There is a lovely flower next to them. The stick man should be wearing a bowler-stlye hat and nothing else, although the stick woman had the foresight to don a black triagular skirt. On the left hand side of the page draw the same field, only with two stick men. Instead of the sun, put clouds and dozens of lightening bolts arcing towards Earth. Also, make the flower droopy.

The Postmaster is no expert on imagery, but I believe the author is making a bold and clear statement about the dangers of wearing a metallic object on one's head while walking through a field, unless one happens to be holding hands with someone wearing a rubber skirt. Safety is emminently important.

Artistic Masterpiece #3: On the top half of a page, draw a droopy, mis-shapen Canadian Flag. On top of that flag, draw two angry, suspicious looking male faces. This is accomplished by giving the male faces pointy eyebrows. One man should have curly hair, the other an Elvis style. Give Elvis a scraggly mustache, and knock out a few of his teeth. These men are Mr. and Mr. Smith. Underneath, draw a nice...well, nicer Canadian flag, and draw the faces of a man and woman, as well as two other faces, perhaps children. These people should have flat eyebrows and all their teeth. They are Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and their anonymous offspring. You may name them whatever you choose. Perhaps Granwyth and Hulat.

This drawing is a clear and concise argument that two men cannot marry because man needs woman to make sure that his eyebrows are properly groomed, he gets to his dentist appointments, he updates his hairstyles every few decades, and that he replaces that flag in the frontyard after it begins to look less than majestic. For shame! The Postmaster was unaware that men were incable of doing such things on their own, and relied instead upon the "little woman" (a term referring to her diminuitive social stature, not physical stature, and so leading to much confusion when one's "little woman" is tall and/or girthful) to be sure that their basic needs are met. The Postmaster wonders if it is really far enough to ban marriage between men, perhaps these infantile creatures should also be restricted in the rights to, say, participate in elections or operate heavy machinery.

Still, The Postmaster appreciates the effort. Usually, those incaple of defending their beliefs with reason or logic simply speak louder (or in the written word use ALL CAPITAL LETTERS which is truly the bane of The Postmaster's existence; indeed, The Postmaster is weary of people shouting in their letters). Furthermore, The Postmaster is grateful for such a gesture of respect towards my busy day - though I am privvy to the deepest thoughts of humankind, even I must obey certain laws of time and space - by condensing one thousand words of baffling meaning into one page of children's artwork gone awry. Convincing? No. Efficient? Yes. And at the end of the day, when one cannot achieve quality, it is perhaps best to avoid quantity as well.

Joyous St. Valentine's Day to All

The Postmaster will now open up the canvas portal into the mind...ah, here are some gems for this Day of Saint Valentine. It seems that marriage of the homosexual kind is weighing heavily on the tired and huddled masses on this day of love. Shall we?

"Tell them to leave the word marraige as being between man and woman. If samesex couples want to become partners to receive each others pensions, then let them sign a contract and become partners, and let the law say they can then have the same benifits as couples do. But please leave the word marraige as it is. Thank you so very much."

No, thank you, for your words have reminded The Postmaster of the, as you so eloquently put it, "benifits" of learning how to arrange letters properly so as to form a word. I promise not to do anything in my awesome and mystical powers to tamper with the word "marraige" as it is rightfully yours in its invention. Is this the first time you have come up with new words? You must be very proud. I myself try to use terms that actually exist in any language, but The Postmaster is picky that way.

"When you are looking at that young Father & Mother with their children in hand, & across the room into the eyes of a Grandmother with grandchildren on her knees, Will your conscience allow you to say, Honestly, " Will I support Bill C-38?" ?"

The Postmaster's conscience cannot allow me to say, Honestly, " Will I support such use of punctuation! and Capitalization" ?. The Postmaster thinks that the writer of this letter should stop worrying about whether a married gay couple will move next door to the grandchildren, and more that the grandchildren be given the proper education so that their command of the English language not be so poor as said writer.

Welcome to The Marriage Mailbag

I am The Postmaster. I know all. People share with me their most intimate thoughts, thoughts which are never shared with another living soul, or, perhaps, are shared with every living soul that crosses their path, as well as certain animals and maybe house plants. But I digress. On to the issue at hand.

There is, in many parts of the world, a debate raging over marriage. What does it mean? Who can take part in it? How many tears does the Lord Jesus shed when two men are joined in matrimony? The Postmaster has opinions, but that is not my raison d'être. The Postmaster is here to share with you from The Marriage Mailbag the deepest thoughts of humankind regarding this topic.

It will not always be pleasant. The deepest thoughts of humankind are often hateful and ignorant, and poorly punctuated. You may find yourself perusing some of the most befuddling use of the English language ever recorded. You may see logic and reason bent and contorted like so many Cirque du Soleil performers. Consider yourselves duly warned.

The Postmaster is no sadist. Letters will not be edited, and there will be no ghastly [sic] notation showing to all the world that the author should be allowed no more access to the written word than a hemophiliac should dance the tarantella in a crystal shop. The Postmaster acts only out of the goodness of the heart, or whatever part of the brain it is from which goodness originates, or from the soul, if that is what the reader chooses to believe. What is so kindly shared with me, let me, in turn, share with all.

Come, rummage through my canvas bag, and let us journey together through the wonder that is the human mind.