One Thousand Words?

Although The Postmaster receives mostly correspondence of the written kind, my vast collection also houses some fine artistic efforts. It is common enough that certain people lack the vocabulary or understanding to compellingly argue a complex issue, and so must scribble out their feelings in simple pictures, much like so many zoo chimpanzees. Often, and understadably, illustrated letters are the product of children, who may be excused for their lack of knowledge regarding the laws of grammar or logic because of their age and exuberance. However, that is not to say those who like to "make drawings" are exclusively youthful. In fact, some of the most delightful works of art wich The Postmaster has ever received came persons who are likely fully-grown, at least physically.

Although I can not show you these drawings, allow me to describe them. Perhaps you would like to draw along, and come up with your own copies that you may then put up on your refrigerator or some other large home appliance.

Artistic Masterpiece #1 Start by drawing a gingerbread man, about six inches tall. Be sure to draw the head at an jaunty angle. This will be important in a moment. In the head of the gingerbread man, write the word "Canada". In his right arm, write "a good place to live". In his left arm write "a democratic country". In his right leg write "a country with freedom of religion". In his left leg write "a Christian country". Now for the finishing touch - did you draw the head on a jaunty angle? Because next you must draw a rope around the head that is tied to a box that says "Bill C-38".

If you followed all the directions closely, you will be left with a drawing of a desperate soul's pathetic cry for attention and love. It looks much like a hanged gingerbread man. How heart-wrenching. Truly, a masterpiece of despair.

Artistic Masterpiece #2: Draw a black line down the middle of a piece of paper. On the right hand side, draw a stick man and stick woman standing in a field with the sun shining down on them. There is a lovely flower next to them. The stick man should be wearing a bowler-stlye hat and nothing else, although the stick woman had the foresight to don a black triagular skirt. On the left hand side of the page draw the same field, only with two stick men. Instead of the sun, put clouds and dozens of lightening bolts arcing towards Earth. Also, make the flower droopy.

The Postmaster is no expert on imagery, but I believe the author is making a bold and clear statement about the dangers of wearing a metallic object on one's head while walking through a field, unless one happens to be holding hands with someone wearing a rubber skirt. Safety is emminently important.

Artistic Masterpiece #3: On the top half of a page, draw a droopy, mis-shapen Canadian Flag. On top of that flag, draw two angry, suspicious looking male faces. This is accomplished by giving the male faces pointy eyebrows. One man should have curly hair, the other an Elvis style. Give Elvis a scraggly mustache, and knock out a few of his teeth. These men are Mr. and Mr. Smith. Underneath, draw a nice...well, nicer Canadian flag, and draw the faces of a man and woman, as well as two other faces, perhaps children. These people should have flat eyebrows and all their teeth. They are Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and their anonymous offspring. You may name them whatever you choose. Perhaps Granwyth and Hulat.

This drawing is a clear and concise argument that two men cannot marry because man needs woman to make sure that his eyebrows are properly groomed, he gets to his dentist appointments, he updates his hairstyles every few decades, and that he replaces that flag in the frontyard after it begins to look less than majestic. For shame! The Postmaster was unaware that men were incable of doing such things on their own, and relied instead upon the "little woman" (a term referring to her diminuitive social stature, not physical stature, and so leading to much confusion when one's "little woman" is tall and/or girthful) to be sure that their basic needs are met. The Postmaster wonders if it is really far enough to ban marriage between men, perhaps these infantile creatures should also be restricted in the rights to, say, participate in elections or operate heavy machinery.

Still, The Postmaster appreciates the effort. Usually, those incaple of defending their beliefs with reason or logic simply speak louder (or in the written word use ALL CAPITAL LETTERS which is truly the bane of The Postmaster's existence; indeed, The Postmaster is weary of people shouting in their letters). Furthermore, The Postmaster is grateful for such a gesture of respect towards my busy day - though I am privvy to the deepest thoughts of humankind, even I must obey certain laws of time and space - by condensing one thousand words of baffling meaning into one page of children's artwork gone awry. Convincing? No. Efficient? Yes. And at the end of the day, when one cannot achieve quality, it is perhaps best to avoid quantity as well.